Brian

Dear Brian,

A year ago today Aaron and I went to Mass and wondered where you were. We drove by your house and we figured you just over slept. Aaron had just talked to you the night before about fixing your car. Then later we got the news from Adam and our hearts were broken.

Here are a few things I'm thankful for today even though I'm missing you terribly:

• You were my fill-in handy man when Aaron was working too much. Every time I check my mail I think of you even though we changed out our mailboxes.
•  Every year that we celebrate the passing of House Bill 2, I will forever think of our wonderful dinner that us three had that night. We spent hours in front of the computer waiting and listening and praying. 
• You being one of my husband's first true friends. Moving around like he did he lost a lot of friends. You loved him for him and you became such a blessing to our little family. You were family.
• Your laugh. Hearing you laugh hard was the best. 
• Your legacy of being a silent servant. A lot of us have being trying to do this in your absence. 
• You being such a simple man all while appreciating finer things in life. I'm cheersing a glass of this tonight for you: 
• For you being so kind to us and helping us in any way possible.
• The time you were very prompt to dinner and brought over a great bottle of wine. We talked about home decor, good wine, and Crooner music. You were one of the manliest men I knew with the kindest heart and great taste.

We are about to head to Mass tonight and will have dinner underneath The Brian Tree. We miss you a bunch Brian, and will be seeing you!

All our love,

Aaron & Laura

Jeremiah 29:11

This has taken me a while to truly believe this. Jeremiah 29:11 states "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Over the last four years that Aaron and I have struggled to conceive, we have received the great news that our friends are expecting... again. And again. And again. We are really thrilled for our friends, we sincerely are! However, at the time of the announcements we weren't always happy for them. Well, I wasn't. I mean, I wanted to be. I really did, but at the time I was more sad for myself. There were couples who I felt weren't deserving. There were couples who weren't trying. There were couples who were a bit upset by the news of expecting. 

After every announcement that I would put on a happy face and say congratulations, I would come home, cry to Aaron and I would question God: 

Why!? 

Why would to do this to us?! Again. 

Don't we deserve one too?! 

Isn't our marriage better than theirs?

Wouldn't we be better parents?

One day, fairly recently I might add, I found myself not thinking those questions anymore. I found myself genuinely happy for our friends having babies. They're such a beautiful blessing. Always have been, always will be. I thought about it and wondered how did I reach this point? How did I finally get here?! I figured it out:

1. I partook in Holy Confession. A lot. I cried and cried and cried and cried some more to my confessor about how angry I was at God,  my friends, and most of all myself for being mad. I forgave some very ugly struggles and sins in that confessional. Those kinds of sins and struggles were the kinds that eat at you. They bury deep down in your soul and cling to you and can consume your life: anger, jealousy, pride, hatred, coveting, condemning... Ugly, right? That's all gone now. Through the grace and forgiveness of Our Father, I'm rid of that. 

2. I clung to the Holy Eucharist. There were times that after I received the Precious Body and Blood of Christ, I would walk back to the pew in tears. Ugly, ugly tears. I'm sure many folks at Mass thought I was absolutely insane. I was letting go of my overpowering desire though. I was clinging to Our Lord. I was asking for forgiveness again that I allowed my desire to get bigger than him, even though I had just done so in Confession. He gave his life for us. Surely I could let go of this desire. This desire that had consumed me. This desire that I let get bigger than God. That's not okay. That's breaking the 1st commandment (hence item #1)!

3. I asked for the intercession of St. Mary Magdelene de Pazzi. I needed her to teach me that God blesses us with gifts; not rewards. I talked more about this and shared her prayer in a past blog. This prayer was really helpful for my pride. I struggle with that a lot. This really helped wash away those awful questions I would ask God whenever we received news that someone else was expecting.

4. I finally realized that I'm not the only one with a tragic story. For instance, I've been trying to conceive for 4 years and years ago a dear friend of mine had to place her child in the loving arms of a couple through adoption. Which one is more tragic? One is no more or no less tragic than the other. Everyone as a story. Everyone has heartache. I'm not alone in this. This also helped me to stop being so angry with people who took their fertility for granted. Again, everyone has a story. Being angry isn't going to help. Not everyone is going to make the right decision (believe me I know), but if I encourage them to strive for holiness then I'm doing my job as Christian. Anger will get us no where - yet another thing I learned in Confession.

Though all 4 of these things (and a lot of help from my Creighton instructor & education programs) I learned to trust a lot more in what God has planned for us and less in what I plan. He has plans for us to prosper and not to harm us, plans to give us hope and a future... And I'm good with that. 

Education is power.

Okay, so I start blogs and I have every intention of keeping up with them aaaaand then I don't. This last year was an emotional roller coaster and these are a few things that kept me from blogging:

2013
July 28th - my husband's best friend went home to our Lord
July 29th - my husband went into emergency surgery for an incarcerated hernia
August 2nd - we laid our dear friend to rest
August 2nd - positive pregnancy test
August 5th - blood work came back with no pregnancy "we aren't sure why you had a positive pregnancy test"
October 8th - applied to the Creighton Model System (CrMS) practitioner training program
November 17th - accepted to the CrMS program
November 20th - my husband and I started charting the Creighton Model System
November 27th - our 3rd anniversary of

2014
January 3rd - 10th - CrMS Education Program I
January 10th - June 26th - along with managing the school, producing an elementary play, and being a wife, I had to take on 6 clients to start out the first half of the program.
June 27th - July 4th - completed Education Program II and am on my way to recruiting 12 more clients!

(Geez, I just exhausted myself typing this out. Why did I set out to produce an elementary school play???)

So here I am today. A Creighton Model System Practitioner Intern and gearing up for my last year at St. Joseph School. I am praying that Creighton makes it huge in our diocese and that I'm able to help as many couples and He wills it.

This happens to be Natural Family Planning Awareness week and while we aren't actually planning out our family because if anyone knows better, Aaron and I know God laughs when we tell him our plans, we are praying that we have a family and we are working together to get my body to where it needs to be in order to do so. We have been able to do this through the Creighton Model System.

 

When I was first diagnosed with PCOS I was informed that there wasn't a cure. I needed to work on diet and take pills to help  force me to ovulate. Been there, done that, almost 4 years later, still no child. 

While the diet is helpful and necessary for my PCOS, for the first time I have more than just hope. There's a bright light at the end of our tunnel. I'm scheduled for an ovarian wedge resection in September in Houston, TX. This was all because of charting with the Creighton Model System which is the basis for a great medical science called NaProTechnology.

For the first time I know my body. I know what signs I'm looking for. This is important for women. It's true empowerment. 

Educate yourselves ladies. 

Empower yourself. 

Know yourself.

PS: I'm thankful for a dear friend of mine who journals. She suggested that I start a journal and I told her that once upon a time, long long ago, I wrote two blog entries. I decided I'd start this back up so that when we conceive I can look back at this and be thankful for the times when I wasn't so thankful.