A letter to our sweet John Paul

Dearest John Paul,

After four and a half years of praying and waiting for you, we found out on a Sunday we were expecting you and by Friday of the same week we found out we were going to lose you. During that week I loved you as much as any mommy could love her sweet child. I talked to you, prayed with you, and spent so much time with you. Your daddy was very quiet most of the time but I knew his thoughts were deep in prayer for you and me. Your grandma spent so much time with me to help me rest and take it easy so that my body would help you to grow. Your uncle talked to you and begged you to hold on. One of your aunts hugged your mommy tighter than she ever had. Your other aunt came to visit mommy after you left us and that was so good for my healing. Several of your ‘aunties’ prayed so much with us that you would hold on to us as tightly as you could. A couple of them visited and others sent me messages saying they were praying for you.We had a priest who we are very close to pray over you. There was so much love and prayer over you sweet one. So many of our family and friends were praying for you sweetheart. They've been praying for you for such a long time.

 

Wednesday of that next week was the day you were going to leave us. Your daddy came home as soon as I called him. We didn’t talk much that day, but we sure did pray a lot. One of your mommy’s friends brought us some flowers while another one kept in constant contact with me and your daddy. I was in a lot of pain that day, but that pain didn’t compare to the pain that was in my heart and your daddy’s heart. The only saving grace was that we knew Our Lord was going to welcome you into Heaven with open arms.  Your daddy spent most of the day outside making a little bed for you to rest in peace in. It was the most beautiful thing someone had ever made. He sure does love you.

When I held you in my hand, my heart ached so much that I would never get to see you grow up to be a little boy that tugged on my sleeve when you needed me to hold you and would wipe your tears with that same sleeve. God put it on my heart that you were a boy. It was only fitting that we named you John Paul. You see, you were conceived within two days of me asking for Pope John Paul II’s intercession. Your great grandpa asked me to kneel under a picture of Pope John Paul II and ask him to pray for me and your daddy so that we would become pregnant. And it happened. So, see? We had to name you John Paul in gratitude for our beloved Pope’s intercession. Your daddy baptized you and prayed over you. Some close friends of ours who lost a baby also talked to us about baptizing you and it gave me such peace knowing I did everything I could to get you to Heaven. Daddy placed you in the little bed lined with lace and covered it with the top that had your initials engraved in.

We took you to our priest and he prayed over you. He had us pray over you and he held a beautiful small prayer service for just us. We then laid you to rest in a garden across from the Church. We placed one of the flowers we received over you and after it had wilted we placed a resin stone that had Psalm 23 inscribed. This was the scripture that our priest read during our little service.

I hope you know how much we love you and will always love you. Please give your Uncle Brian a big hug from us.

This week is Infertility Awareness Week dear sweet one and while I’m thankful you are where you are, I can’t be a little sad you aren’t with me, but most of all, I’m thankful I had you for a small short of time. I’m thankful that we were able to finally conceive after a long, hard, road. I pray that our story helps other mommies cope with losing their little ones. I pray that some of the things we did to honor your short-lived life will help other mommies in their faith and healing as it did mine. We love you sweet John Paul, and may you be an intercession on our behalf for your future brothers and sisters.

Love with all my heart,

Mommy

I had a close friend of ours make these when I found out we were pregnant. This is how we were going to tell our mothers the great news. They now are in a keepsake box along with our flowers as a constant reminder. I think its hard for some people to grasp why we took this miscarriage as hard as we did and why we went to the extent we did to honor John Paul. Aside from the fact that we loved this child before we  knew him, we respect the dignity of life and that life began at conception. Society believes otherwise and wants you to believe that as well, but we have to stand our ground. These are our children. These are our tiny saints in Heaven praying for us. These are our children who will continue our faith.

It's okay to mourn the loss of a child through miscarriage. In fact, it's probably a lot more healthy for the healing process mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I've seen far too many women who never mourned the loss of their baby and had a hard time healing from it emotionally. Our process of healing is an ongoing one as it's still fairly new, but I couldn't have come this far without family, friends, prayer, and above all, grace from God.This week I offer up my prayers to those who have suffered through the struggle of infertility, subfertility, and the loss of a baby.

Pope John Paul II, pray for us.