A letter to our sweet John Paul

Dearest John Paul,

After four and a half years of praying and waiting for you, we found out on a Sunday we were expecting you and by Friday of the same week we found out we were going to lose you. During that week I loved you as much as any mommy could love her sweet child. I talked to you, prayed with you, and spent so much time with you. Your daddy was very quiet most of the time but I knew his thoughts were deep in prayer for you and me. Your grandma spent so much time with me to help me rest and take it easy so that my body would help you to grow. Your uncle talked to you and begged you to hold on. One of your aunts hugged your mommy tighter than she ever had. Your other aunt came to visit mommy after you left us and that was so good for my healing. Several of your ‘aunties’ prayed so much with us that you would hold on to us as tightly as you could. A couple of them visited and others sent me messages saying they were praying for you.We had a priest who we are very close to pray over you. There was so much love and prayer over you sweet one. So many of our family and friends were praying for you sweetheart. They've been praying for you for such a long time.

 

Wednesday of that next week was the day you were going to leave us. Your daddy came home as soon as I called him. We didn’t talk much that day, but we sure did pray a lot. One of your mommy’s friends brought us some flowers while another one kept in constant contact with me and your daddy. I was in a lot of pain that day, but that pain didn’t compare to the pain that was in my heart and your daddy’s heart. The only saving grace was that we knew Our Lord was going to welcome you into Heaven with open arms.  Your daddy spent most of the day outside making a little bed for you to rest in peace in. It was the most beautiful thing someone had ever made. He sure does love you.

When I held you in my hand, my heart ached so much that I would never get to see you grow up to be a little boy that tugged on my sleeve when you needed me to hold you and would wipe your tears with that same sleeve. God put it on my heart that you were a boy. It was only fitting that we named you John Paul. You see, you were conceived within two days of me asking for Pope John Paul II’s intercession. Your great grandpa asked me to kneel under a picture of Pope John Paul II and ask him to pray for me and your daddy so that we would become pregnant. And it happened. So, see? We had to name you John Paul in gratitude for our beloved Pope’s intercession. Your daddy baptized you and prayed over you. Some close friends of ours who lost a baby also talked to us about baptizing you and it gave me such peace knowing I did everything I could to get you to Heaven. Daddy placed you in the little bed lined with lace and covered it with the top that had your initials engraved in.

We took you to our priest and he prayed over you. He had us pray over you and he held a beautiful small prayer service for just us. We then laid you to rest in a garden across from the Church. We placed one of the flowers we received over you and after it had wilted we placed a resin stone that had Psalm 23 inscribed. This was the scripture that our priest read during our little service.

I hope you know how much we love you and will always love you. Please give your Uncle Brian a big hug from us.

This week is Infertility Awareness Week dear sweet one and while I’m thankful you are where you are, I can’t be a little sad you aren’t with me, but most of all, I’m thankful I had you for a small short of time. I’m thankful that we were able to finally conceive after a long, hard, road. I pray that our story helps other mommies cope with losing their little ones. I pray that some of the things we did to honor your short-lived life will help other mommies in their faith and healing as it did mine. We love you sweet John Paul, and may you be an intercession on our behalf for your future brothers and sisters.

Love with all my heart,

Mommy

I had a close friend of ours make these when I found out we were pregnant. This is how we were going to tell our mothers the great news. They now are in a keepsake box along with our flowers as a constant reminder. I think its hard for some people to grasp why we took this miscarriage as hard as we did and why we went to the extent we did to honor John Paul. Aside from the fact that we loved this child before we  knew him, we respect the dignity of life and that life began at conception. Society believes otherwise and wants you to believe that as well, but we have to stand our ground. These are our children. These are our tiny saints in Heaven praying for us. These are our children who will continue our faith.

It's okay to mourn the loss of a child through miscarriage. In fact, it's probably a lot more healthy for the healing process mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I've seen far too many women who never mourned the loss of their baby and had a hard time healing from it emotionally. Our process of healing is an ongoing one as it's still fairly new, but I couldn't have come this far without family, friends, prayer, and above all, grace from God.This week I offer up my prayers to those who have suffered through the struggle of infertility, subfertility, and the loss of a baby.

Pope John Paul II, pray for us.

Today's the day!

We started our drive across Texas on Tuesday. This was a sight to see as we were driving....

It's a long road ahead, but at least there's a light at the end. 

We arrived in Houston yesterday and we met with Dr. Brooke Jemelka. Husband and Mom absolutely loved and trusted her immediately. She went over all the information and prepped us with everything. My anxiety subsided some and peace has started to take over thankfully. 

I spent my day yesterday on a cleanse and fast to prepare for today. It wasn't as tough as I thought it would be. I just kept offering it back up to the victims, families, lives lost and mommies of 9/11. It was a small sacrifice but a sacrifice nonetheless. 

I woke up super early today in excitement for today. Well... Nervousness too but mostly excitement. Husband got a call from the front desk and a package had been delivered for me. 

 These sweet beads were overnighted by my best friend. They were given to her whenever she was in the hospital delivering her sweet baby. 

Her sweet baby is now almost 3. It was such a beautiful gift to have!

There has been a lot of pain, suffering, and sacrificing during this journey. Something I've learned along the way is that if our Lord chooses to fulfill our desire to conceive then we will be so blessed, but if not, this journey has been so spiritually healing and marriage strengthening. 

My husband didn't know what he signed up for but he has taken his job seriously and gracefully. It can't be easy having a wife be sick all of the time, but I am and we are fixing that. 

Well, just got called back... More later. 

St. Gerard, St. Magdalene de Pazzi, St. Raymond Nonnatus, Pope Paul VI, & Holy Family, pray for us! 

Seven Quick Takes - Something Fun and New for a Great Day

I found out about this 7 Quick Takes thing from my blogger friend... The only one I ever talk about - I promise I have more than one friend - I just have 1 blogger friend. So here's mine for Friday:

 - 1 -

I went to Holy Mass and attended Holy Hour with a bunch of elderly people today and it was wonderful. They were so happy to have someone from a younger generation there and I absolutely loved it. I once read a book about a dying church and that quickly prompted my fear that our church would be a dying one because the majority of the congregation are elderly people. However, that's a secret goal of mine from now on: get the youth of our church more involved in whichever way possible!

 - 2 -

 After Holy Mass and Holy Hour I stayed for Adoration with a friend that I pray will become a close friend. She brought along her six children for their first time and they were so polite and quiet. It was precious! They only stayed for a little while for fear that her children would soon start to talk and after all it is adoration, but they came nonetheless and that's a start. I walked her out and we chatted for a bit. Then I went back inside and the elderly people that were still there came up to me to tell me how excited they were that my friend and her family were there! We all have a date for Mass, Holy Hour, and Adoration for next month. :) I'm pretty excited for that.

- 3 -

Life has gotten pretty hectic for me and my best friend and it has caused our phone calls to be few and far between. We talked tonight and it was yet another thing I needed today. I miss her terribly and  sometimes you just need a good long talk with your best friend.

- 4 - 

My surgery is six days away and after Adoration, I feel a little more peaceful about it. I plan on going to Confession soon - you know, in case anything happens. Everything is booked and planned and it looks like it's really happening! I'm thankful that my husband and mom are going to be there with me. It's such a blessing to have a wonderful support system.

- 5- 

My husband finally talked to his head boss about needing to hire more employees. He's been working 6 days a week for several months now and it's exhausting for him. He's been seriously stressed and over-worked. His boss was more than thankful for Aaron discussing his thoughts and ideas with him. It's good to have a boss that appreciates hard work and dedication.

- 6 -

This weekend we are in the process of helping our friends with 7 children fix up their new home. It's such a blessing to watch our church family grow in faith and numbers. Their number 7 is actually going to be our God-daughter and we are ecstatic about that. It's our first time being Godparents. Yay!

- 7 -

Last Sunday I witnessed the most beautiful miraculous event I've ever seen. I watched one of my best friends give birth to her seventh child (same friend from #6). I had never seen one and the fact that she was so open about me being in the birthing room was so incredible. It completely changed my fear of labor and deliver. I've always had this super anxious fear of what it would be like and sure there's pain and more pain, but the end result is just beautiful. It was beautiful to see her in that light and It started the week off on such a great note. :)

This was right after sweet Martha Ann was born.

Black Holes

I started writing this on Thursday and then life happened. So, I just got back to it this morning when I had a second to breathe. 

It just hit me today… Two weeks from today I will be undergoing surgery!!! AHHHHH! Where has time gone?! Anxiety and fears have started to sink in and my nerves are fairly shot. I can't remember if I've already said this in a prior blog, but I am undergoing an Ovarian Wedge Resection. These surgeries were common for a very long time until birth control became the band aid for reproductive issues such as endometriosis, Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, long cycles, irregular cycles, polyps, and many others. 

I’m actually fairly excited about this surgery. I’m ready to be fixed. I’m ready to not have awful periods and abnormal cycles. Case in point… Currently I’m on day 41 of my cycle and I had a menses of 25 days. God bless my husband. Last cycle went to 46 days. I’m so over this and ready for this to be over!  See? Surgery needed.

Over the last week I’ve had a few preliminary tests ran due to my 25 day period. I had blood work done last week and then an ultrasound yesterday. Special shout out of thanks to my husband for blurting out “WHY DOES SHE HAVE THOSE BLACK HOLES ON HER UTERUS?!” -_- That was  followed up by the sonographer with a “Don’t say that to her! So ma’am, you said you haven’t had any surgeries at all?” So yay for black holes now. However, my ovaries looked a little better... I think! It didn't look like there were that many overgrown follicles like there were at the last ultrasound. Paleo may be doing something right! 

I ask for prayers for the ‘black holes’ of my uterus. I’m wondering if it’s endometriosis. We shall find out soon enough. I ask for prayers for the strength for this surgery and for patience for my husband. He gets nervous and awkward when it comes to my health. I ask for prayers for continued peace. I hadn’t realized how much I had come to terms with my infertility until I was reminded of it last night – in a good way though!!! Last night I received a text message from one of my closest friends who has been by my side the last four years and who has said countless prayers for us. She texted a link to this blog….. Take a second, read, cry, then come back. 

Done crying? After I finished ugly crying when I read it I then realized that I’m pretty blessed and it’s taken a few years but I know that we aren’t that couple anymore. We know our friends see us, and we know they pray for us. It’s such a blessing to have.  Thank you friends. It's hard to get past that point of thinking, but it's possible. It takes prayer, sadness, happiness, a great spouse, great friends, and above all else, Jesus Christ. And perhaps a few cocktails in between... see below.

UPDATE:

I got the results from my ultrasound yesterday. The ‘black hole’ my husband saw on the screen, the radiologist saw too. It turned out to be a fibroid on my uterus. Along with that I now have cysts on my ovaries and not just inside. So… thank God for surgery, huh? 

I didn’t receive the news as gracefully as I would have liked. My faith was shot and my immediate response was “well, since my womb is such a hostile environment, maybe I’m not meant for this.” I haven’t thought that in a very long time. Thankfully through the grace, pep talks, and cocktails from my friends and most especially my wonderful husband, I woke up feeling better today. 

Must keep in mind... "'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope." Jer. 29:11

Charity = Love

Preface: This is kind of just a bit of rambling of something that recently happened and I'm not good at evangelizing but I pray that anyone who reads this version of the cited scripture will be impacted as I was....

 A few weeks ago I went to confession and my penance was one I had been given a few times. My confessor is a sweet 82 year old priest who I just figured forgot that he's given me that as penance a time or two...or five. This confession was different though. This confession marked the year anniversary of a hard time in my marriage, my fertility, my husband's life, and my life.

Rewind to 2013: The morning of our friend Brian's funeral I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. Quelle coïncidence! What a beautiful circle of life! We lay to rest one life and welcome another! Unfortunately days later we were saddened to find out it was a false positive and I'd rather not go into the reason for that, but needless to say it was a very dark time in our marriage. Aaron had a very hard time dealing with all of this and was in a lot of pain emotionally and physically (he had just had surgery the day after Brian's death). I went to confession with our priest and it turned into an ugly cry fest for about two hours, yelled at God, yelled at Brian, yelled about my husband, yelled about every thing possible and followed up with Father James praying over me and leading me to find comfort and solace in Our Blessed Mother. Thank God for Her!

Fast-forward to a few weeks ago: So as I'm wrapping up this confession, Father James sits in silence and prayer and finally speaks "It's really quite beautiful to see where you are now from where you were a year ago around this time." How did he remember this?! Why did he remember this?! I thought priests were supposed to just hit the Confession Reset Button and not remember those embarrassing confessions!!!! However, it was nice to hear that he had seen some sort of spiritual growth in me. So anyway, he then moved on to my penance... the penance that I had already done... several times. "Read First Corinthians chapter 13 five times." What?! Five Times?!?! I didn't even do anything that bad! I had no mortal sins! This was more so for graces! This chapter is engrained into my mind and my home! I have pictures frames with passages from this chapter! This chapter was read at my wedding!!! I know this chapter!!! Ugh. Five times. Okay. Fine. Five times. I smiled and nodded and said 'okay'. He said he felt there was something I needed to understand in that passage. Five times. Seriously?

The first night I started my penance I was too lazy to get my Bible out so I just pulled up my Bible app on my phone. I began to read and to my surprise I seriously did understand something I had never understood. You see, the King James Version, New International Version, and all the other versions have this version:

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

(you all know it)

The Catholic Public Domain Version that I was reading said this...

Charity is patient, is kind. Charity does not envy, does not act wrongly, is not inflated.
Charity is not ambitious, does not seek for itself, is not provoked to anger, devises no evil.
Charity does not rejoice over iniquity, but rejoices in truth. Charity suffers all, believes all, hopes all, endures all.

Charity. This hit me like a ton of bricks. Well played God, well played. All this time I've sort of correlated 1 Corinthians 13 with my marriage because it's so often read at weddings. It made sense to. These have kind of been rules for a happy marriage. However, this time it didn't just hit me as a wife, it hit me as a Christian woman. So may times I've had discussions with my dear friend about being uncharitable with words, actions, thoughts and us working hard to not be uncharitable. This scripture made me realize that it's not enough to be uncharitable: I need to be charitable. Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines charity as "benevolent goodwill toward or love of humanity" and  generosity and helpfulness especially toward the needy or suffering; also :  aid given to those in need". How often do I do this? How often do I feel the need to do this? I tell you, its not of much as it should be. 

So, my goal for now is to be more charitable as a Christian to humanity. Not just my husband.

Brian

Dear Brian,

A year ago today Aaron and I went to Mass and wondered where you were. We drove by your house and we figured you just over slept. Aaron had just talked to you the night before about fixing your car. Then later we got the news from Adam and our hearts were broken.

Here are a few things I'm thankful for today even though I'm missing you terribly:

• You were my fill-in handy man when Aaron was working too much. Every time I check my mail I think of you even though we changed out our mailboxes.
•  Every year that we celebrate the passing of House Bill 2, I will forever think of our wonderful dinner that us three had that night. We spent hours in front of the computer waiting and listening and praying. 
• You being one of my husband's first true friends. Moving around like he did he lost a lot of friends. You loved him for him and you became such a blessing to our little family. You were family.
• Your laugh. Hearing you laugh hard was the best. 
• Your legacy of being a silent servant. A lot of us have being trying to do this in your absence. 
• You being such a simple man all while appreciating finer things in life. I'm cheersing a glass of this tonight for you: 
• For you being so kind to us and helping us in any way possible.
• The time you were very prompt to dinner and brought over a great bottle of wine. We talked about home decor, good wine, and Crooner music. You were one of the manliest men I knew with the kindest heart and great taste.

We are about to head to Mass tonight and will have dinner underneath The Brian Tree. We miss you a bunch Brian, and will be seeing you!

All our love,

Aaron & Laura

Jeremiah 29:11

This has taken me a while to truly believe this. Jeremiah 29:11 states "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Over the last four years that Aaron and I have struggled to conceive, we have received the great news that our friends are expecting... again. And again. And again. We are really thrilled for our friends, we sincerely are! However, at the time of the announcements we weren't always happy for them. Well, I wasn't. I mean, I wanted to be. I really did, but at the time I was more sad for myself. There were couples who I felt weren't deserving. There were couples who weren't trying. There were couples who were a bit upset by the news of expecting. 

After every announcement that I would put on a happy face and say congratulations, I would come home, cry to Aaron and I would question God: 

Why!? 

Why would to do this to us?! Again. 

Don't we deserve one too?! 

Isn't our marriage better than theirs?

Wouldn't we be better parents?

One day, fairly recently I might add, I found myself not thinking those questions anymore. I found myself genuinely happy for our friends having babies. They're such a beautiful blessing. Always have been, always will be. I thought about it and wondered how did I reach this point? How did I finally get here?! I figured it out:

1. I partook in Holy Confession. A lot. I cried and cried and cried and cried some more to my confessor about how angry I was at God,  my friends, and most of all myself for being mad. I forgave some very ugly struggles and sins in that confessional. Those kinds of sins and struggles were the kinds that eat at you. They bury deep down in your soul and cling to you and can consume your life: anger, jealousy, pride, hatred, coveting, condemning... Ugly, right? That's all gone now. Through the grace and forgiveness of Our Father, I'm rid of that. 

2. I clung to the Holy Eucharist. There were times that after I received the Precious Body and Blood of Christ, I would walk back to the pew in tears. Ugly, ugly tears. I'm sure many folks at Mass thought I was absolutely insane. I was letting go of my overpowering desire though. I was clinging to Our Lord. I was asking for forgiveness again that I allowed my desire to get bigger than him, even though I had just done so in Confession. He gave his life for us. Surely I could let go of this desire. This desire that had consumed me. This desire that I let get bigger than God. That's not okay. That's breaking the 1st commandment (hence item #1)!

3. I asked for the intercession of St. Mary Magdelene de Pazzi. I needed her to teach me that God blesses us with gifts; not rewards. I talked more about this and shared her prayer in a past blog. This prayer was really helpful for my pride. I struggle with that a lot. This really helped wash away those awful questions I would ask God whenever we received news that someone else was expecting.

4. I finally realized that I'm not the only one with a tragic story. For instance, I've been trying to conceive for 4 years and years ago a dear friend of mine had to place her child in the loving arms of a couple through adoption. Which one is more tragic? One is no more or no less tragic than the other. Everyone as a story. Everyone has heartache. I'm not alone in this. This also helped me to stop being so angry with people who took their fertility for granted. Again, everyone has a story. Being angry isn't going to help. Not everyone is going to make the right decision (believe me I know), but if I encourage them to strive for holiness then I'm doing my job as Christian. Anger will get us no where - yet another thing I learned in Confession.

Though all 4 of these things (and a lot of help from my Creighton instructor & education programs) I learned to trust a lot more in what God has planned for us and less in what I plan. He has plans for us to prosper and not to harm us, plans to give us hope and a future... And I'm good with that.