Jeremiah 29:11

This has taken me a while to truly believe this. Jeremiah 29:11 states "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Over the last four years that Aaron and I have struggled to conceive, we have received the great news that our friends are expecting... again. And again. And again. We are really thrilled for our friends, we sincerely are! However, at the time of the announcements we weren't always happy for them. Well, I wasn't. I mean, I wanted to be. I really did, but at the time I was more sad for myself. There were couples who I felt weren't deserving. There were couples who weren't trying. There were couples who were a bit upset by the news of expecting. 

After every announcement that I would put on a happy face and say congratulations, I would come home, cry to Aaron and I would question God: 

Why!? 

Why would to do this to us?! Again. 

Don't we deserve one too?! 

Isn't our marriage better than theirs?

Wouldn't we be better parents?

One day, fairly recently I might add, I found myself not thinking those questions anymore. I found myself genuinely happy for our friends having babies. They're such a beautiful blessing. Always have been, always will be. I thought about it and wondered how did I reach this point? How did I finally get here?! I figured it out:

1. I partook in Holy Confession. A lot. I cried and cried and cried and cried some more to my confessor about how angry I was at God,  my friends, and most of all myself for being mad. I forgave some very ugly struggles and sins in that confessional. Those kinds of sins and struggles were the kinds that eat at you. They bury deep down in your soul and cling to you and can consume your life: anger, jealousy, pride, hatred, coveting, condemning... Ugly, right? That's all gone now. Through the grace and forgiveness of Our Father, I'm rid of that. 

2. I clung to the Holy Eucharist. There were times that after I received the Precious Body and Blood of Christ, I would walk back to the pew in tears. Ugly, ugly tears. I'm sure many folks at Mass thought I was absolutely insane. I was letting go of my overpowering desire though. I was clinging to Our Lord. I was asking for forgiveness again that I allowed my desire to get bigger than him, even though I had just done so in Confession. He gave his life for us. Surely I could let go of this desire. This desire that had consumed me. This desire that I let get bigger than God. That's not okay. That's breaking the 1st commandment (hence item #1)!

3. I asked for the intercession of St. Mary Magdelene de Pazzi. I needed her to teach me that God blesses us with gifts; not rewards. I talked more about this and shared her prayer in a past blog. This prayer was really helpful for my pride. I struggle with that a lot. This really helped wash away those awful questions I would ask God whenever we received news that someone else was expecting.

4. I finally realized that I'm not the only one with a tragic story. For instance, I've been trying to conceive for 4 years and years ago a dear friend of mine had to place her child in the loving arms of a couple through adoption. Which one is more tragic? One is no more or no less tragic than the other. Everyone as a story. Everyone has heartache. I'm not alone in this. This also helped me to stop being so angry with people who took their fertility for granted. Again, everyone has a story. Being angry isn't going to help. Not everyone is going to make the right decision (believe me I know), but if I encourage them to strive for holiness then I'm doing my job as Christian. Anger will get us no where - yet another thing I learned in Confession.

Though all 4 of these things (and a lot of help from my Creighton instructor & education programs) I learned to trust a lot more in what God has planned for us and less in what I plan. He has plans for us to prosper and not to harm us, plans to give us hope and a future... And I'm good with that.