Today's the day!

We started our drive across Texas on Tuesday. This was a sight to see as we were driving....

It's a long road ahead, but at least there's a light at the end. 

We arrived in Houston yesterday and we met with Dr. Brooke Jemelka. Husband and Mom absolutely loved and trusted her immediately. She went over all the information and prepped us with everything. My anxiety subsided some and peace has started to take over thankfully. 

I spent my day yesterday on a cleanse and fast to prepare for today. It wasn't as tough as I thought it would be. I just kept offering it back up to the victims, families, lives lost and mommies of 9/11. It was a small sacrifice but a sacrifice nonetheless. 

I woke up super early today in excitement for today. Well... Nervousness too but mostly excitement. Husband got a call from the front desk and a package had been delivered for me. 

 These sweet beads were overnighted by my best friend. They were given to her whenever she was in the hospital delivering her sweet baby. 

Her sweet baby is now almost 3. It was such a beautiful gift to have!

There has been a lot of pain, suffering, and sacrificing during this journey. Something I've learned along the way is that if our Lord chooses to fulfill our desire to conceive then we will be so blessed, but if not, this journey has been so spiritually healing and marriage strengthening. 

My husband didn't know what he signed up for but he has taken his job seriously and gracefully. It can't be easy having a wife be sick all of the time, but I am and we are fixing that. 

Well, just got called back... More later. 

St. Gerard, St. Magdalene de Pazzi, St. Raymond Nonnatus, Pope Paul VI, & Holy Family, pray for us! 

Seven Quick Takes - Something Fun and New for a Great Day

I found out about this 7 Quick Takes thing from my blogger friend... The only one I ever talk about - I promise I have more than one friend - I just have 1 blogger friend. So here's mine for Friday:

 - 1 -

I went to Holy Mass and attended Holy Hour with a bunch of elderly people today and it was wonderful. They were so happy to have someone from a younger generation there and I absolutely loved it. I once read a book about a dying church and that quickly prompted my fear that our church would be a dying one because the majority of the congregation are elderly people. However, that's a secret goal of mine from now on: get the youth of our church more involved in whichever way possible!

 - 2 -

 After Holy Mass and Holy Hour I stayed for Adoration with a friend that I pray will become a close friend. She brought along her six children for their first time and they were so polite and quiet. It was precious! They only stayed for a little while for fear that her children would soon start to talk and after all it is adoration, but they came nonetheless and that's a start. I walked her out and we chatted for a bit. Then I went back inside and the elderly people that were still there came up to me to tell me how excited they were that my friend and her family were there! We all have a date for Mass, Holy Hour, and Adoration for next month. :) I'm pretty excited for that.

- 3 -

Life has gotten pretty hectic for me and my best friend and it has caused our phone calls to be few and far between. We talked tonight and it was yet another thing I needed today. I miss her terribly and  sometimes you just need a good long talk with your best friend.

- 4 - 

My surgery is six days away and after Adoration, I feel a little more peaceful about it. I plan on going to Confession soon - you know, in case anything happens. Everything is booked and planned and it looks like it's really happening! I'm thankful that my husband and mom are going to be there with me. It's such a blessing to have a wonderful support system.

- 5- 

My husband finally talked to his head boss about needing to hire more employees. He's been working 6 days a week for several months now and it's exhausting for him. He's been seriously stressed and over-worked. His boss was more than thankful for Aaron discussing his thoughts and ideas with him. It's good to have a boss that appreciates hard work and dedication.

- 6 -

This weekend we are in the process of helping our friends with 7 children fix up their new home. It's such a blessing to watch our church family grow in faith and numbers. Their number 7 is actually going to be our God-daughter and we are ecstatic about that. It's our first time being Godparents. Yay!

- 7 -

Last Sunday I witnessed the most beautiful miraculous event I've ever seen. I watched one of my best friends give birth to her seventh child (same friend from #6). I had never seen one and the fact that she was so open about me being in the birthing room was so incredible. It completely changed my fear of labor and deliver. I've always had this super anxious fear of what it would be like and sure there's pain and more pain, but the end result is just beautiful. It was beautiful to see her in that light and It started the week off on such a great note. :)

This was right after sweet Martha Ann was born.

Black Holes

I started writing this on Thursday and then life happened. So, I just got back to it this morning when I had a second to breathe. 

It just hit me today… Two weeks from today I will be undergoing surgery!!! AHHHHH! Where has time gone?! Anxiety and fears have started to sink in and my nerves are fairly shot. I can't remember if I've already said this in a prior blog, but I am undergoing an Ovarian Wedge Resection. These surgeries were common for a very long time until birth control became the band aid for reproductive issues such as endometriosis, Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, long cycles, irregular cycles, polyps, and many others. 

I’m actually fairly excited about this surgery. I’m ready to be fixed. I’m ready to not have awful periods and abnormal cycles. Case in point… Currently I’m on day 41 of my cycle and I had a menses of 25 days. God bless my husband. Last cycle went to 46 days. I’m so over this and ready for this to be over!  See? Surgery needed.

Over the last week I’ve had a few preliminary tests ran due to my 25 day period. I had blood work done last week and then an ultrasound yesterday. Special shout out of thanks to my husband for blurting out “WHY DOES SHE HAVE THOSE BLACK HOLES ON HER UTERUS?!” -_- That was  followed up by the sonographer with a “Don’t say that to her! So ma’am, you said you haven’t had any surgeries at all?” So yay for black holes now. However, my ovaries looked a little better... I think! It didn't look like there were that many overgrown follicles like there were at the last ultrasound. Paleo may be doing something right! 

I ask for prayers for the ‘black holes’ of my uterus. I’m wondering if it’s endometriosis. We shall find out soon enough. I ask for prayers for the strength for this surgery and for patience for my husband. He gets nervous and awkward when it comes to my health. I ask for prayers for continued peace. I hadn’t realized how much I had come to terms with my infertility until I was reminded of it last night – in a good way though!!! Last night I received a text message from one of my closest friends who has been by my side the last four years and who has said countless prayers for us. She texted a link to this blog….. Take a second, read, cry, then come back. 

Done crying? After I finished ugly crying when I read it I then realized that I’m pretty blessed and it’s taken a few years but I know that we aren’t that couple anymore. We know our friends see us, and we know they pray for us. It’s such a blessing to have.  Thank you friends. It's hard to get past that point of thinking, but it's possible. It takes prayer, sadness, happiness, a great spouse, great friends, and above all else, Jesus Christ. And perhaps a few cocktails in between... see below.

UPDATE:

I got the results from my ultrasound yesterday. The ‘black hole’ my husband saw on the screen, the radiologist saw too. It turned out to be a fibroid on my uterus. Along with that I now have cysts on my ovaries and not just inside. So… thank God for surgery, huh? 

I didn’t receive the news as gracefully as I would have liked. My faith was shot and my immediate response was “well, since my womb is such a hostile environment, maybe I’m not meant for this.” I haven’t thought that in a very long time. Thankfully through the grace, pep talks, and cocktails from my friends and most especially my wonderful husband, I woke up feeling better today. 

Must keep in mind... "'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope." Jer. 29:11

Charity = Love

Preface: This is kind of just a bit of rambling of something that recently happened and I'm not good at evangelizing but I pray that anyone who reads this version of the cited scripture will be impacted as I was....

 A few weeks ago I went to confession and my penance was one I had been given a few times. My confessor is a sweet 82 year old priest who I just figured forgot that he's given me that as penance a time or two...or five. This confession was different though. This confession marked the year anniversary of a hard time in my marriage, my fertility, my husband's life, and my life.

Rewind to 2013: The morning of our friend Brian's funeral I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. Quelle coïncidence! What a beautiful circle of life! We lay to rest one life and welcome another! Unfortunately days later we were saddened to find out it was a false positive and I'd rather not go into the reason for that, but needless to say it was a very dark time in our marriage. Aaron had a very hard time dealing with all of this and was in a lot of pain emotionally and physically (he had just had surgery the day after Brian's death). I went to confession with our priest and it turned into an ugly cry fest for about two hours, yelled at God, yelled at Brian, yelled about my husband, yelled about every thing possible and followed up with Father James praying over me and leading me to find comfort and solace in Our Blessed Mother. Thank God for Her!

Fast-forward to a few weeks ago: So as I'm wrapping up this confession, Father James sits in silence and prayer and finally speaks "It's really quite beautiful to see where you are now from where you were a year ago around this time." How did he remember this?! Why did he remember this?! I thought priests were supposed to just hit the Confession Reset Button and not remember those embarrassing confessions!!!! However, it was nice to hear that he had seen some sort of spiritual growth in me. So anyway, he then moved on to my penance... the penance that I had already done... several times. "Read First Corinthians chapter 13 five times." What?! Five Times?!?! I didn't even do anything that bad! I had no mortal sins! This was more so for graces! This chapter is engrained into my mind and my home! I have pictures frames with passages from this chapter! This chapter was read at my wedding!!! I know this chapter!!! Ugh. Five times. Okay. Fine. Five times. I smiled and nodded and said 'okay'. He said he felt there was something I needed to understand in that passage. Five times. Seriously?

The first night I started my penance I was too lazy to get my Bible out so I just pulled up my Bible app on my phone. I began to read and to my surprise I seriously did understand something I had never understood. You see, the King James Version, New International Version, and all the other versions have this version:

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

(you all know it)

The Catholic Public Domain Version that I was reading said this...

Charity is patient, is kind. Charity does not envy, does not act wrongly, is not inflated.
Charity is not ambitious, does not seek for itself, is not provoked to anger, devises no evil.
Charity does not rejoice over iniquity, but rejoices in truth. Charity suffers all, believes all, hopes all, endures all.

Charity. This hit me like a ton of bricks. Well played God, well played. All this time I've sort of correlated 1 Corinthians 13 with my marriage because it's so often read at weddings. It made sense to. These have kind of been rules for a happy marriage. However, this time it didn't just hit me as a wife, it hit me as a Christian woman. So may times I've had discussions with my dear friend about being uncharitable with words, actions, thoughts and us working hard to not be uncharitable. This scripture made me realize that it's not enough to be uncharitable: I need to be charitable. Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines charity as "benevolent goodwill toward or love of humanity" and  generosity and helpfulness especially toward the needy or suffering; also :  aid given to those in need". How often do I do this? How often do I feel the need to do this? I tell you, its not of much as it should be. 

So, my goal for now is to be more charitable as a Christian to humanity. Not just my husband.

Brian

Dear Brian,

A year ago today Aaron and I went to Mass and wondered where you were. We drove by your house and we figured you just over slept. Aaron had just talked to you the night before about fixing your car. Then later we got the news from Adam and our hearts were broken.

Here are a few things I'm thankful for today even though I'm missing you terribly:

• You were my fill-in handy man when Aaron was working too much. Every time I check my mail I think of you even though we changed out our mailboxes.
•  Every year that we celebrate the passing of House Bill 2, I will forever think of our wonderful dinner that us three had that night. We spent hours in front of the computer waiting and listening and praying. 
• You being one of my husband's first true friends. Moving around like he did he lost a lot of friends. You loved him for him and you became such a blessing to our little family. You were family.
• Your laugh. Hearing you laugh hard was the best. 
• Your legacy of being a silent servant. A lot of us have being trying to do this in your absence. 
• You being such a simple man all while appreciating finer things in life. I'm cheersing a glass of this tonight for you: 
• For you being so kind to us and helping us in any way possible.
• The time you were very prompt to dinner and brought over a great bottle of wine. We talked about home decor, good wine, and Crooner music. You were one of the manliest men I knew with the kindest heart and great taste.

We are about to head to Mass tonight and will have dinner underneath The Brian Tree. We miss you a bunch Brian, and will be seeing you!

All our love,

Aaron & Laura

Jeremiah 29:11

This has taken me a while to truly believe this. Jeremiah 29:11 states "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Over the last four years that Aaron and I have struggled to conceive, we have received the great news that our friends are expecting... again. And again. And again. We are really thrilled for our friends, we sincerely are! However, at the time of the announcements we weren't always happy for them. Well, I wasn't. I mean, I wanted to be. I really did, but at the time I was more sad for myself. There were couples who I felt weren't deserving. There were couples who weren't trying. There were couples who were a bit upset by the news of expecting. 

After every announcement that I would put on a happy face and say congratulations, I would come home, cry to Aaron and I would question God: 

Why!? 

Why would to do this to us?! Again. 

Don't we deserve one too?! 

Isn't our marriage better than theirs?

Wouldn't we be better parents?

One day, fairly recently I might add, I found myself not thinking those questions anymore. I found myself genuinely happy for our friends having babies. They're such a beautiful blessing. Always have been, always will be. I thought about it and wondered how did I reach this point? How did I finally get here?! I figured it out:

1. I partook in Holy Confession. A lot. I cried and cried and cried and cried some more to my confessor about how angry I was at God,  my friends, and most of all myself for being mad. I forgave some very ugly struggles and sins in that confessional. Those kinds of sins and struggles were the kinds that eat at you. They bury deep down in your soul and cling to you and can consume your life: anger, jealousy, pride, hatred, coveting, condemning... Ugly, right? That's all gone now. Through the grace and forgiveness of Our Father, I'm rid of that. 

2. I clung to the Holy Eucharist. There were times that after I received the Precious Body and Blood of Christ, I would walk back to the pew in tears. Ugly, ugly tears. I'm sure many folks at Mass thought I was absolutely insane. I was letting go of my overpowering desire though. I was clinging to Our Lord. I was asking for forgiveness again that I allowed my desire to get bigger than him, even though I had just done so in Confession. He gave his life for us. Surely I could let go of this desire. This desire that had consumed me. This desire that I let get bigger than God. That's not okay. That's breaking the 1st commandment (hence item #1)!

3. I asked for the intercession of St. Mary Magdelene de Pazzi. I needed her to teach me that God blesses us with gifts; not rewards. I talked more about this and shared her prayer in a past blog. This prayer was really helpful for my pride. I struggle with that a lot. This really helped wash away those awful questions I would ask God whenever we received news that someone else was expecting.

4. I finally realized that I'm not the only one with a tragic story. For instance, I've been trying to conceive for 4 years and years ago a dear friend of mine had to place her child in the loving arms of a couple through adoption. Which one is more tragic? One is no more or no less tragic than the other. Everyone as a story. Everyone has heartache. I'm not alone in this. This also helped me to stop being so angry with people who took their fertility for granted. Again, everyone has a story. Being angry isn't going to help. Not everyone is going to make the right decision (believe me I know), but if I encourage them to strive for holiness then I'm doing my job as Christian. Anger will get us no where - yet another thing I learned in Confession.

Though all 4 of these things (and a lot of help from my Creighton instructor & education programs) I learned to trust a lot more in what God has planned for us and less in what I plan. He has plans for us to prosper and not to harm us, plans to give us hope and a future... And I'm good with that. 

Education is power.

Okay, so I start blogs and I have every intention of keeping up with them aaaaand then I don't. This last year was an emotional roller coaster and these are a few things that kept me from blogging:

2013
July 28th - my husband's best friend went home to our Lord
July 29th - my husband went into emergency surgery for an incarcerated hernia
August 2nd - we laid our dear friend to rest
August 2nd - positive pregnancy test
August 5th - blood work came back with no pregnancy "we aren't sure why you had a positive pregnancy test"
October 8th - applied to the Creighton Model System (CrMS) practitioner training program
November 17th - accepted to the CrMS program
November 20th - my husband and I started charting the Creighton Model System
November 27th - our 3rd anniversary of

2014
January 3rd - 10th - CrMS Education Program I
January 10th - June 26th - along with managing the school, producing an elementary play, and being a wife, I had to take on 6 clients to start out the first half of the program.
June 27th - July 4th - completed Education Program II and am on my way to recruiting 12 more clients!

(Geez, I just exhausted myself typing this out. Why did I set out to produce an elementary school play???)

So here I am today. A Creighton Model System Practitioner Intern and gearing up for my last year at St. Joseph School. I am praying that Creighton makes it huge in our diocese and that I'm able to help as many couples and He wills it.

This happens to be Natural Family Planning Awareness week and while we aren't actually planning out our family because if anyone knows better, Aaron and I know God laughs when we tell him our plans, we are praying that we have a family and we are working together to get my body to where it needs to be in order to do so. We have been able to do this through the Creighton Model System.

 

When I was first diagnosed with PCOS I was informed that there wasn't a cure. I needed to work on diet and take pills to help  force me to ovulate. Been there, done that, almost 4 years later, still no child. 

While the diet is helpful and necessary for my PCOS, for the first time I have more than just hope. There's a bright light at the end of our tunnel. I'm scheduled for an ovarian wedge resection in September in Houston, TX. This was all because of charting with the Creighton Model System which is the basis for a great medical science called NaProTechnology.

For the first time I know my body. I know what signs I'm looking for. This is important for women. It's true empowerment. 

Educate yourselves ladies. 

Empower yourself. 

Know yourself.

PS: I'm thankful for a dear friend of mine who journals. She suggested that I start a journal and I told her that once upon a time, long long ago, I wrote two blog entries. I decided I'd start this back up so that when we conceive I can look back at this and be thankful for the times when I wasn't so thankful.